Feeling kinda numb

today, here but not, there but not. Ever felt like that? SU is doing a women’s retreat and has chosen Every Season as the theme. I think that if I were to title mine right now, it would be Changing Seasons. The past year or so has been full of change, with the benefit of an unchanging foundation. Yeah, that’s right. An unchanging foundation. It occurs to me that one reason people fear change so is that they do not have the benefit of an unchanging foundation.

This foundation I speak of is called family, both the blood and the body. I think over the course of the past year and a half, the family has solidified into something nearer to the ideal. Not the ideal, I suppose, but nearer, yes. Lines of communication have been opened with siblings, the nuclear family has grown tighter for various reasons and the body has been supportive, inclusive and emphathetic. All of these combined have strengthened me, fulfilled me, made me long for more. You say, well, it sounds more like a changing foundation than an unchanging one. But you miss the point: the foundation hasn’t changed, I have. It was there all along, I had to change in order to stand on it. I had to step off my float and onto the rock.

It’s much the same in things spiritual. As I search for that  ever elusive glimpse of universal truth, I find that it is more about moving towards that which is. Why my mind is restless, constantly questioning, never accepting, I’ve no clue. Why can’t I present a prepared doctrine to a group of men without questioning the side roads? In the process of trying to unearth the truth, I find it impossible to read what someone else has written and accept it without testing it. Twisting it. Wringing it. The good thing about this process is that it moves me to a spot closer to that truth, hopefully giving me a breif glimpse of that truth. Hopefully. It is there, always has been, always will. I need to step off the float and onto the rock. Daily. Late.