is going on with me right now. I’m very unsettled. About everything. Insecure. Frustrated. Sad. Unsettled. Just don’t know the specific reason why. Every little thing seems to bug me. Or frustrate me. Or make me want to cry. Or yell.
Nothing seems to be right. If one thing is good, I can find 10 others that aren’t. If I do one good thing, I find 10 things I do wrong. It feels like everyone is out to get me, against me. Just me.
Our lesson this week was on adoption. Really good lesson as it were. And the guys seemed to get where we were going with it. But, I just felt lacking at the end. What did I miss? What should I have said? Why didn’t I call BH earlier in the week when I had the distinct impression that I should? Turns out he was in need. But I ignored the very thing that we discussed last week, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead. I KNEW BH needed help, as much as I knew the weather changed. But, I DIDN’T DO anything about it! Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Why? How long can I go on ignoring that which I know?
As I sit here typing this, I KNOW I need to go to the hospital to visit one of our class members. But I have a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t – parking sucks, not sure what room, not even sure the person is still there, long drive, might be late for church tonight (really like that one) – and on and on. People are hurting, longing, I have the ability to help – yet I do not. I know that one of the reasons is that it is just overwhelming; there are so many needs, so many people, so much to do. Is it enough to help some? It doesn’t seem so.