what I write here through the years, as others have peeked in. What started and remains a very personal journal has been affected, sometimes inadvertently and sometimes with full knowledge, by the fact that others, some whom I know, read what I type. And not just a few, it is quite amazing to me the number of people that view the sometimes train wreck that is my life, laid out for all in my journal.
At times I wish I had not deleted the earlier years but alas, some things cannot be undone. I’ve almost three years posted in this incarnation and still the question arises, why? And the answer remains the same: for me. And once in a while for others. Even during the times I hedge and post not quite the full brunt of reality out of respect for those that might not understand who I am, I try to give at least a glimpse of the situation. No hedging this evening.
Once again, I come up against the the biggest fear in my life, the big C. And once again, there is no doubt that the best outcome is that God’s will is done. Whatever that may be. The interval in this round comes much quicker than before but there really isn’t much difference, is there? You take what life throws at you and you use every resource at your disposal to shape the outcome to your will. And then you remember that you can’t shape anything.
This evening I was reading a note from a mother that has just lost her child in the current struggle to give a foreign people a chance at freedom, freedom that we take for granted, that we treat so lightly. Her son died in a much criticized endeavor. She understands me. And I’ve never met her. But she too knows that she is but a traveler and was entrusted a task that she fulfilled to the best of her ability. And the world is a better place because she chose to fulfill the task rather than shape the destiny.
Most of the “thinkers” of today spout the same mantra, that you can shape your own destiny, that you and you alone are responsible for the road you travel. As they ignore the circumstances that led them to their current position in life, their current status, their current path. They’ve shaped nothing and have controlled only that which has been placed before them. Yet they refuse to see Truth, calling it a fabrication of man’s mind, a coping mechanism.
Were it not for the loss of a mother long before her time, or the loss of a step-mom to the same, perhaps I too would still think that I could determine my own destiny. After all, it is a great line, certainly has sold many books. As it is, I can only place my trust in the sure and certain knowledge that, today, I am where I am supposed to be. As for tomorrow, I will continue to place myself in the hands of Christ, that He may use me as He needs me, for as long as He sees fit.
Philippians 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. 4:12 I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment,8 whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. 4:13 I am able to do all things9 through the one10 who strengthens me.
That is not to say or pretend that it is easy or that I enjoy the stress that joins the fray. Lying in bed with tears streaming, SU turns to comfort me. Sitting in the dark, numbness surrounding me, SU comes to my side. Unable to function, inertia setting in, SU motivates me. And that is the gift that God has given me, for which I am daily grateful.